the lives that give me life are all here to help me through it, nothing but that. nothing but love.

there is true passion behind everything i do. there is true love in my heart and my home. 

this time is a struggle, but there is beauty in the world.

avere la speranza. la chiave alla vita

Whoever I am,

I want to feel and I want to lead and really be of importance. I don't know what to do with my passion, energy, intelligence, drive, boredom. I feel I have literally dumbed myself down in order to get by every day. Getting somewhere does not have to do so much with following the path that was laid out in front of you but more with really using your brain for every decision life presents to you. I actually am not quite sure what the key to life is. I know my back says it's hope. Maybe it still is hope....maybe the key to life is really just hope.

Love.

i dont want to create art if it has no purpose

it's fall again, Joe.

i still see you when i look in those eyes
the breeze of the fall and the change of the trees
there is a dim orange glow that i know.....

and you and me can't ever go.

i can close my eyes while they are still open and map out every centimeter of your face. i can trace back to every place we've ever been, every moment, every word that's meant something to me. every fight, every breakup, everything we've both done so very wrong. i can ask myself what i would have done differently, i can ask you the same. you can answer me, we can say we're sorry. you can kiss my forehead, i can wipe my tears. you can curse and yell, i can learn to get over everything that doesn't go my way. you can learn to say the way you feel, i can be patient while you do. i can make you more room in the closet, you can make me pancakes one day in the morning even though you hate them. you can learn to make them. i can appreciate that you need your time alone, you can make me laugh without trying. making me laugh is what you live for, seeing my smile - i know.

we have learned to get over the past. we have thrown things at each other and swore we'd never speak again. we have broken trust, we have forgiven and repaired it. we've seen friends that mean more than a million bucks go far away and never come back. we've seen things together that no one else has. we explored the vatican. we put the things in this home. we have similarities, we have extremely different behaviors. we created our own language. we've made amazing impressions. we've maintained our individual lives. we've explored in our own ways....and in ways together. we've seen each other grow.

they want to see the world, they want to fly together. they want to make more money, they want to climb the ladders. they want a bigger home, they want nicer things. they want to have pets to play with. they want to be better people, they want to help each other. they want more clothing and toys, they want more friends and groups to associate with. they want to eat at fancy restaurants, they want to not have to worry. they will continue to want and want and wish and want. but there is ONE big thing that evaporates all the wants and 'wish i had's'......

if i stare at a blank white corner and hear that transcending old familiar note...
.....if i feel that breeze that comes only once a year
if i sit alone and write these things on a night that you're not here.......
if i just open my eyes in the morning and breath in life, the one that you exist in.....

no matter what i do

no matter who you meet

no matter how i act

how you react

how you push things to the side

how i pry

no matter how much you can't stand me sometimes

no matter how much i need to cry

need to reflect in order to open up my eyes.

you and me is the deepest love

and that can't EVER go.

.......................

THIS IS MY LIFE.