i'm not lost anymore, dad

there's no place more peaceful, beautiful, and grounding as the view from my parents' front windows. suburban forest and familiar point to stare....
so many choices, actions, happiness happened here. i need this break every season of the year.


this is why i don't love you.....
.....and why you can't love me.


see...i'm in love with the trees, the city, the sea. i'm in love with the air and the music and me. the freedom is my heartbeat and i dance to its power.

i've lost the use of my heart....

....but i'm still alive.

memorial day

you know it's time to sleep but sometimes i see the world
i see myself as a girl....
all the time and i don't know why it doesn't feel okay.
this feeling of sadness is better than the nothing
and the nothing's crept inside to equal something that's a lie
a numb and eerie cry for
....anything more.

stuff i type into my phone while i move

Cus being in transit is my only therapy....it's where i do my best brainstorming and where I feel most free. Being on my journey is when I'm really me....

Creativity runs free.....
when the work is coming in. my whole life i never liked pastel colors, i never liked blue. These days pale aqua and pink, colors that are so light they are barely colors....all mixed together against mean black leather but only when dispursed through sepias, vintage textures, decay and full of stories to tell. Flowers and plants but overgrown and only in colors that flowers don't come in. There is a house i walk past with a black vintage bathtub out on the sidewalk full of potted plants. I wondered why they felt safe leaving it out there cus I wouldlove to have that tub but then I considered the process of removing it and how hard it would be to get away with. I did carry a street sign 7 blocks away from the house I used to live in. It took two people but I sure was a part of it. I still can't ride a bike, at least not drunk.

Dear Philly dear....

Trees, let's also love trees and green grass.

Let's love the views we see. Sometimes it's the dirty sea from the top floor of a casino hotel but the skies are still clear blue and promising....from the city it's rooftops and graffiti, lost people and stray cats, and the pink tree in front has inspired me to fill my life with flowers and trees...and color. Lights and textures and breahts of fresh air, inspiration....dreams and rebirth. A connection with the life around me, an infatuation with everyday encounters.

From california hills to the falling leaves of the east coast...the intimidating crowds of new york city summer, the view of it from a cold winter mountain, from across the river, from a lonely window...now i'm alone in my window not able to get enough of the solitude, soaking up my freedom and my independant thoughts, basking in the small city's glow where my creativity transforms into revinue. Revinue that will support my life and well being, keep me alive in body and mind but also in spirit and light. Small city keep me alive....

The Sky...

is light nightmonstr green above the bricks and the blowing tree limbs, its 3am and she's cooking veal. He's passed out drunk on the leather couch, done with his vaporizing cigarettes. I'm alone in this big sinking bed with the fan on watching a club drug movie and letting the raindrops hypnotize me. I'll be waking up too tired with a mission to get new shoes so i can wait tables without slipipng. Soon i'll be a star.

a few years ago i almost took a road trip.....

i think there's nothing wrong with getting lost for a little while.

pretending nothing's wrong and just taking in the air....

getting absorbed in a stare

i think there's nothing better than the summer forest air

even when im city bound

the silence always beats the sound

i'll take the entire day to get home

just so i can sit alone

on the train, although mundane

it stimulates my brain.

there's nothing silly about my thoughts

or all the places i want to get lost

i'm always a genius when i'm alone

no cigarettes. no telephone.

i'm always god when no one's home...

Predominant Intuitions

Predominant Intuitions
{with the aid of Tarot}

Premonitions about the number 19: The age 19 – i would experience significant and positive changes in my life. Particularly, around my 19th birthday. The overall premonition included love and romance. Leading up to my 19th birthday, I was a new freshman at college and just started seeing Joe. 9 days after my 19th birthday, Joe and I decided to be exclusive. The entire year was the best I’ve ever had so far in my life. Full of new and life changing friendships, ideas, creativity, and joy.

ages 20, 21, and 22 were extensions of 19. Just following through with the natural actions and reactions to the way 19 set up my life. Adjusting, readjusting, fighting, breaking up, moving to my own place, losing friends, making new friends, moving to a new city, dabbling in rebound love interests, etc.

the edge of 22 has brought me “The Tower” (a tarot card that I use to describe the events in my life). The Tower symbolizes a GIANT and sudden breakdown in everything around you in order to then rebuild from the rubble and put back all the pieces in order to create something revitalized and sturdier. My version of the tower happened when my place in Philadelphia began to resemble a half way house because of neglectful and tension-filled roommate wars. Work was getting more and more scarce and my bills were piling high. When I woke up with a fever one day and no one anywhere near to help me, I had finally had it. The tower was collapsing and I had to move home to my family and begin to pick up the pieces. Not only did the tower come up first when I read my tarot cards, but I had a vivid and enlightening dream literally interperating everything that the tower symbolizes.

I spent much needed alone time with myself and reevaluated my entire life. Some relationships with people had gone astray and I knew I needed to put them back together. As much as some people were ecstatic and welcoming to my recovery, others were bitter and more concerned with calling it quits. Either way, I was ready to rebuild by using the old pieces I had let fall astray along with the new pieces that I picked up along the way that are positive.

The months inside of the end of 22 that I’ve been using to recover have truly proved successful and continue to reap benefits for rebuilding my tower. I’ve come across “The World” tarot card (symbolizes a complete journey through adversity, struggle, pleasure, and pain) and an abundance of cards that symbolize healing, listening to your inner voice, intuition, subconscious, spiritual and inner guidance, and cultivating new growth while never neglecting the old.

 

 

Premonitions about the number 23: The age 23 – the number is highlighted in my brain. It has been highlighted for over a year now, the same amount of time that 19 was. It is lit up and has to do with the same people, ideas, and aspects that were involved with 19 but there is a large vague aspect to it that probably has to do with both the things I am yet to experience and the things that differ from premonition 19. It becomes clearer as my birthday gets closer. It has gone beyond just an intuition at this point and almost transformed completely into a knowledge.

That is leading me to believe that it will possibly be an overall aura on every aspect of my life. And that would not only make sense but be very rewarding after I have spent so much time focusing on balance and the overall me. 23 is also Joe’s lucky number, his age, and the age I will turn in less than a month. Also it is the day of the month that Joe’s birthday is on in may AND the day of the month that Nicole’s birthday is in March. This has helped me to conclude (along with a strong sense in which I’m unaware of the origin) that this premonition is going to have an effect or have to do with these two people. I am positive that the premonition involves me. But I see these people also being involved either along with me or on their own journeys.

My focus has been largely on individual relationships with people, trying to listen more in order to give the people that I love what they need to be happy, and in turn – bringing happiness to me.

Because the biggest things that I have learned from 19 to the end of 22, is that no matter what I do for myself on the surface or underneath, and no matter how far I run from or how close I cling on to the things that hurt or please me – they are still going to be a HUGE factor in my life and who I am. [Photos by Eric Lafforque]

23 I have been waiting for you all my life

My Astrology Book (rough starter sketches)

(disregaurd the magazine pages i scribbled on - had nothing else at the time)