@utumn$ummer

"i love my hands but it hurts to pray..."

Abigail Doan [circa aug '07]

these next few weeks.....are my ABSOLUTE favorite of the year.

maybe that's why I always end up spending them with my heart open....

 can u blame me?

 

thank u

for just listening and understanding.

a weight has been lifted.

i want to feel the vulnerability and the pleasure and i guess even the pain....because that's life. and i surprise even myself to say that you are still the only one i can feel that way with. all i want is to be understood, to feel like i'm not alone and that it's ok to be who i am and that is the best form of freedom for me.


it's like you have this wire that connects to my brain and my heart and i don't know how you got access to it. i guess you were born with it. sometimes it isnt fair but most of the time it's a blessing.

i get angry that you have it and i want to say 'give me that back' because that's me closing off. that's me feeling like no one should have access to me because then they have access to hurting me and i do NOT want to be hurt the way i was.

but in a sense, i feel like i never really can be hurt that way again. because no matter what, you'll always have that wire....so i'll never be alone.

thank u

like someone read my mind

houses for my many souls

he who is busy is tempted by one devil
but he who is idle is tempted by a legion....
i'm trying to teach myself that when my heart starts to feel again....i have to try as hard as possible to look over the steep mountain i'm still trying to climb up n over

MY BODY IS BLEEDING the wrong way and i'm scared.
....so to fill up my time i'm going to build houses in my imagination, one for every place that'd be better to be than here.......better for my soul to be in than a body. cus **** veins and **** bones and **** blood and brains and xrays and **** emptying my pockets for lab results.

i'll build a house on the moon.....

where no one needs lungs or legs or love

oh, a house on the sun...

and one with a view of it where i need nothing but someone

and of course....

a beautiful house in the sky

just like heaven.

without a body - clearly, we die. i'd rather not, because life is the best thing that's ever happened to me. but whatever happens my houses are built and my soul is already familiar with the maps. let me climb my mountain for a few hundred more years and when i finaly get to the top.....

i'm going to jump into the sky and never come back.

although i don't know

i don't know where i want to be

i just know it's somewhere between the grass & trees, the city & the clouds, some water & some peace...

if i could have an empty space on the earth...id place it there and make it near my family. i'd make it near life & i'd make it easy to escape from but also back to.

i'm not sure i want anyone to be able to find me

but i want them all there when i snap my fingers.

i want to build my life inside my own space where it feels like home....

but i want to travel & roam...

keep the things i've aquired - physical and mental....reflect but always move forward.

it's hard to decide between consistancy and excitement. if you're reading this......you're someone i want to keep informed.

it's not fair for me to come & go...i know. but your acceptance of it is sometimes what the tattoo on my back refers to.




avere la speranza.....


la chiave alla vita.

pause sleep @ 5am, blog be my friend

n who got u into the whole blog thing?

who got you into astrology?

who got you thinking so twisted up like me....

but in a pretty way? me.

it's ok. i don't want credit. cus it's sorta just a curse. i don't want you to drop what you're doing for my very very random reaching out...



let me light a cigarette.





if i chose this path a hundred times it's because now i've accepted the path choosing me....
if i've told you over and over the way i see the world and us in it....it's not because i'm trying to make excuses for my drastic hellos and goodbyes....

and although i always knew i loved your eyes
(and hated your guts so many times)
you're STILL the only one i look back at and am instantly mesmorized.


i'll never try to frantically pick up everything i threw astray....which is alot, to say the least
again.
and i'd never expect you to reopen your door to my nonsensical lifestyle
because even i know now....that i'm impossible, so difficult, so unattainable
but if anyone's attained me yet, it's the boy down the hall with the skateboard.

i'm proud of you.
if that's stupid, so be it.
but i'm also proud of me
and i know you are too

i want to tell this all to you
cus i'm great at closing my heart and i've been doing it for months now
just not when it comes to you



cigarette's out.



so let her keep the picture on the wall
if for no other reason than it being a great picture.

and when you're married with kids and a big house and five dogs and a giant kitchen like you've always wanted.......i'll still be proud of you, and the picture will still be great.


there's no one else i'd tell this to but you.
and for now this random space in the millions of internet pages.....is the safest way to relay it.


blame the planets for my fleeting sensitivity
cus you know me
i'll be back in space tomorrow
and return to being just a memory.



:)