although i don't know

i don't know where i want to be

i just know it's somewhere between the grass & trees, the city & the clouds, some water & some peace...

if i could have an empty space on the earth...id place it there and make it near my family. i'd make it near life & i'd make it easy to escape from but also back to.

i'm not sure i want anyone to be able to find me

but i want them all there when i snap my fingers.

i want to build my life inside my own space where it feels like home....

but i want to travel & roam...

keep the things i've aquired - physical and mental....reflect but always move forward.

it's hard to decide between consistancy and excitement. if you're reading this......you're someone i want to keep informed.

it's not fair for me to come & go...i know. but your acceptance of it is sometimes what the tattoo on my back refers to.




avere la speranza.....


la chiave alla vita.

pause sleep @ 5am, blog be my friend

n who got u into the whole blog thing?

who got you into astrology?

who got you thinking so twisted up like me....

but in a pretty way? me.

it's ok. i don't want credit. cus it's sorta just a curse. i don't want you to drop what you're doing for my very very random reaching out...



let me light a cigarette.





if i chose this path a hundred times it's because now i've accepted the path choosing me....
if i've told you over and over the way i see the world and us in it....it's not because i'm trying to make excuses for my drastic hellos and goodbyes....

and although i always knew i loved your eyes
(and hated your guts so many times)
you're STILL the only one i look back at and am instantly mesmorized.


i'll never try to frantically pick up everything i threw astray....which is alot, to say the least
again.
and i'd never expect you to reopen your door to my nonsensical lifestyle
because even i know now....that i'm impossible, so difficult, so unattainable
but if anyone's attained me yet, it's the boy down the hall with the skateboard.

i'm proud of you.
if that's stupid, so be it.
but i'm also proud of me
and i know you are too

i want to tell this all to you
cus i'm great at closing my heart and i've been doing it for months now
just not when it comes to you



cigarette's out.



so let her keep the picture on the wall
if for no other reason than it being a great picture.

and when you're married with kids and a big house and five dogs and a giant kitchen like you've always wanted.......i'll still be proud of you, and the picture will still be great.


there's no one else i'd tell this to but you.
and for now this random space in the millions of internet pages.....is the safest way to relay it.


blame the planets for my fleeting sensitivity
cus you know me
i'll be back in space tomorrow
and return to being just a memory.



:)

i'm not lost anymore, dad

there's no place more peaceful, beautiful, and grounding as the view from my parents' front windows. suburban forest and familiar point to stare....
so many choices, actions, happiness happened here. i need this break every season of the year.


this is why i don't love you.....
.....and why you can't love me.


see...i'm in love with the trees, the city, the sea. i'm in love with the air and the music and me. the freedom is my heartbeat and i dance to its power.

i've lost the use of my heart....

....but i'm still alive.

memorial day

you know it's time to sleep but sometimes i see the world
i see myself as a girl....
all the time and i don't know why it doesn't feel okay.
this feeling of sadness is better than the nothing
and the nothing's crept inside to equal something that's a lie
a numb and eerie cry for
....anything more.

stuff i type into my phone while i move

Cus being in transit is my only therapy....it's where i do my best brainstorming and where I feel most free. Being on my journey is when I'm really me....

Creativity runs free.....
when the work is coming in. my whole life i never liked pastel colors, i never liked blue. These days pale aqua and pink, colors that are so light they are barely colors....all mixed together against mean black leather but only when dispursed through sepias, vintage textures, decay and full of stories to tell. Flowers and plants but overgrown and only in colors that flowers don't come in. There is a house i walk past with a black vintage bathtub out on the sidewalk full of potted plants. I wondered why they felt safe leaving it out there cus I wouldlove to have that tub but then I considered the process of removing it and how hard it would be to get away with. I did carry a street sign 7 blocks away from the house I used to live in. It took two people but I sure was a part of it. I still can't ride a bike, at least not drunk.

Dear Philly dear....

Trees, let's also love trees and green grass.

Let's love the views we see. Sometimes it's the dirty sea from the top floor of a casino hotel but the skies are still clear blue and promising....from the city it's rooftops and graffiti, lost people and stray cats, and the pink tree in front has inspired me to fill my life with flowers and trees...and color. Lights and textures and breahts of fresh air, inspiration....dreams and rebirth. A connection with the life around me, an infatuation with everyday encounters.

From california hills to the falling leaves of the east coast...the intimidating crowds of new york city summer, the view of it from a cold winter mountain, from across the river, from a lonely window...now i'm alone in my window not able to get enough of the solitude, soaking up my freedom and my independant thoughts, basking in the small city's glow where my creativity transforms into revinue. Revinue that will support my life and well being, keep me alive in body and mind but also in spirit and light. Small city keep me alive....

The Sky...

is light nightmonstr green above the bricks and the blowing tree limbs, its 3am and she's cooking veal. He's passed out drunk on the leather couch, done with his vaporizing cigarettes. I'm alone in this big sinking bed with the fan on watching a club drug movie and letting the raindrops hypnotize me. I'll be waking up too tired with a mission to get new shoes so i can wait tables without slipipng. Soon i'll be a star.

a few years ago i almost took a road trip.....

i think there's nothing wrong with getting lost for a little while.

pretending nothing's wrong and just taking in the air....

getting absorbed in a stare

i think there's nothing better than the summer forest air

even when im city bound

the silence always beats the sound

i'll take the entire day to get home

just so i can sit alone

on the train, although mundane

it stimulates my brain.

there's nothing silly about my thoughts

or all the places i want to get lost

i'm always a genius when i'm alone

no cigarettes. no telephone.

i'm always god when no one's home...