i never thought material things would have such peaceful and creative influences. i count the things i am acquiring that i have wanted and hoped for and find them in front of me decorating my life in the way that i pictured. the best part is that they are manifesting due to my own hard work. maybe the important part is not that they are materialistic or even tangible but instead that they are a symbol of the effort and patience i have implemented and followed through with. it was me, with my own bare hands, my own patient mind and mouth, and the tips of my fingers every day.

here i am.

here are the things that i own...big, small, costly or not.

these are the fruits of my labor.

I read that the human brain spends 70% of the time putting together ideal scenarios based on existing  fragments and thoughts.


This blog helped me make sense of my life by spitting out nonsense for 5 years.

I will never get rid of it.

I'll tell you something...

What I have tonight is the most perfect for me right here and right now.
You come home from the job you like, not minding to sit in traffic because your city is so beautiful and the sounds on your stereo are just right...
You like looking at the heavy fog roll over the spots of sunshine that reveal just enough of blue sky to remind you it's still there. At a red light, a man yells to say you are beautiful - you hate it. But do you?
You stop at the art store to play with colors that make you feel good, get home and cook something interesting. Something that makes you feel even better.


Talk to the people you love, for just a moment to remind them you love them.
Pour a second glass of wine.


Sit down and get engulfed in the bright white of the lamp shining on the paper on the white desk where you have the perfect amount of space filled. It matches the steady beat behind you. Your heart pumps.

You anticipate seeing the one you love most in the world walking through that door soon. Until then, you put your hands around the colors. Scribble a little and breathe out, stop to contemplate your next move - hold your breath. It goes on....

Smile as your body fulfills your desire. The desire to plant what you see in your head onto a space that lasts forever. Then step back.

He's sleeping now, go in to kiss him on the head. See the black of his hair and hear his steady breath. After years on years, feeling his presence is still what makes life go on.

Wrap a long sweater around you, come back to your space, see it and back away.

OH the satisfaction. The most precise imperfections, the most balance of what I was and what I am...with just enough of who I want to be. Not the epitome of beauty, but the epitome of all that is perfect to me.

I'm hungry but I don't want to see faces
The outside life beckons me but breaking the judgement of first glances holds me behind a door
It's sad to say that my comfort zone of personality is one that appears wrong to others. They must wonder why I frown and put my head down but the truth is that I'm constantly having to put it on like a show....

But you know....they could just not give a damn.

My desire is to sit with a drink staring out with whatever look I want on my face. Whatever shape my face makes that feels comfortable, I want to look out at the world and contemplate even if I have nothing bad to ponder. Even if all my troubles have passed or if they are nothing when compared to those of others, let me sit and think...just think about the world but be in a space that all can share. Just let me be. Let me be let me be.

it takes more than creativity to be an artist
it takes refinement
frustration
ambidextrousness
failure
new perspectives
years
ears
pencils
technology
socialization
professors
adversity
romance
tragedy
conceptualization
throwing paint at walls
ripping down your house
performance
drugs
performance drugs
selling out
falling down
pain
accomplishment
incarceration
health
enlightenment
& following through.

profound-ity.

i should never question myself as to whether i am living to the fullest.
for, how should i ever know what fuller version i am not living up to if i never restrict myself from doing things which i enjoy and love?
if i never restrict myself from doing things which i enjoy and love, i will never miss anything.
if i never miss anything, i will never feel a loss.
but, if in the case that i must restrict myself from doing things which i enjoy and/or love because i must choose another, then i may feel a sense of loss or guilt.
therefor, guilt is the direct result of choice.
if we never scold ourselves for choosing one over the other (when there clearly must be only one) then guilt can be released.......then peace on earth.

whether or not i think about it, life never ceases to amaze me.

i am an artist.

I'm going to get a big happy dog like this

to lay with me by the fireplace

sometimes we will take walks together

and take baths when we get home

soon i'll be packing my things

crossing the golden gate

traveling back in time

across the country...to the place i was born

the city by the bay

.......................same deep, mesmerizingly thought-provoking songs.


But this time - fullness.

is the sadness really to disappear?

i feel happiness.

my heart feels a physical strength.....a fullness of life

silly, but true, cliche......there is a single tear coming down my face. trying to outlast the song, i'm starting to think maybe - -  -   -    -     -      -       -        -         -

all i can hope is that you continue to take my breath away.

there you are sleeping in the room above my head and i can't help but peak in to kiss you on the cheek, bashful with lust.



they say love is real, the love is real.