The Creative Romantic BLOG: August 2011

It isn't often that I sit and write something as if it were a journal entry. This blog, to me, is more of a place to montage the images that I collect and display in a customized order so to illustrate what I think best goes with the images in my brain.........or at least what I wish it could look like.

There was a time that I wrote because of pain. I have written to keep my sanity, to try and save myself, to express joy, confidence, to illustrate thoughts that no one else will listen to. It is true, that all my life I have been told to keep writing. It is captivating, that writing and then re-reading it over and over ONCE I feel I have actually gotten it all out and in the correct way, makes me feel whole.

This couch in this room is so calming. The things on the wall and on the shelves and in their funny sparse spots are just right to me. They shine back what we shine into the world. Sometimes, we are "us" and sometimes I am me and he is him. That is a good way, I feel. My life feels like it is moving, changing, growing....very very slowly, but positively and for the first time....in a direction I am in control of. The control thing, I don't know if it is too much or too little. But I don't have to worry about it. The water feels calm and even though there may still be some pools with less and some with more, that is what I am learning to be life. The imperfections, as he said, are not always to be changed. Sometimes, my imperfections are why he loves me.

This peace and this warmth is just right. The position I am in....in my brain, is like standing with your feet shoulder distance apart (or maybe just a bit more) and lifting your chest out and upward comfortably and confidently with a small smile on your lips and your palms balanced just gently allowing the wind to hit them.

I realize, as of late, that although I know what thoughts and philosophies stream through me, other people can not know if my brilliance unless I share it. And even better - I am not a child anymore. My thoughts are listened to and considered. They are appreciated and stored away. I am seen as a better and more contributing person for having shared the beautiful thoughts that I am lucky to encounter every day as it is. This dispersement of knowledge from human to human is like electricity. I think about Avatar and the way they worshiped the whole planet inside and out and how the energy could disperse....that to them, was God.

I want to be a part of making this world a better place. I'm going to go back to school for Art Management and get involved with a non-profit organization that is there just to help the community become a better place through expressing creativity. Like the Mural Arts Program. Tiny steps can make a difference, and I'm not trying to be a hero....but to me, it is a better usage of my time on earth than simply feeding the dirty consumers of animals we are by convincing people to pay money for useless items in order to make some for myself. Yucky for me, I'm amazing at it.

I wrote a list of the things I want to accomplish before I am 30 - 5 years from this december. It included a sub-list of what I'd like to have when I reach that point. Then I noticed that some of the things I had always thought of trying to have done before then are some things I have already done or started to do. :) That made me feel so accomplished but not in a self-righteous way. More like....just a little smile from me to me. Like quitting smoking! Giving myself a big pat on the back.

I know my life has begun. Being here in this apartment in this nice neighborhood in a city I have a bond with with the person my heart is open to....is like the beginning of life.

There are feelings of inspiration, calmness, ease, respect, accomplishment, encouragement, unity, teamwork, support, joy, pleasure, hope, and love. To me, a beautiful tree in the sunshine represents this. If I close my eyes, that is what I see.