Friday, June 26, 2009

funny and SERIOUS scribbles

5/1/09


the pain
the pain
the pain the pain
if anything's not to blame
it's not the pain
you're here
you're not
please go
but don't
if anything...
the pain
it still remains.
I wrote about your effect
the pain...
it's gone
but its effect
FOREVER
and yet
I forget
who you are.

please be here
not in my arms
but my life
for good
cus I hate your guts
and you...are every man.

11/08
...and maybe my hopeless romantic insight
is keeping me up writing bullshit all night
but what is the matter with wanting something
that you've had feel so lovely before?
all that i want is someone to step in
and love me and need me
intellectually feed me
comprehend madness
that i seem to bring
i'm so sorry, world, sorry
if i'm scaring away
all the things i could have

12/17/08
winter window
and the whites of my eyes
always a child
two decades of life
always beginning
vacant fevers
blood in my teeth
silent ice on the tree
point shoes
fuzzy warmers
and neon hippy bracelets
heavy weights
dreams on paper
following intuition
fire on water
travel by foot
dreams of ghosts
fake and beauty
freedom inside
security silk
humbled pride
space and filth
saying goodbye
holiday neglect
posessions tucked away
bodily recognition
partnership and trust
lack of affection
love the inside
lounging multitasking
self-taught medicine
open like twelve books
patience and time.
2/2/09
We all live on the middle of nowhere
cus everything is nothing
and the sky falls off at night.

sometime in fall 08
There's too much depth
in areas I don't know how to share
too much to portray
to volunteer to wear
I want specific things
unattainable and scarce
yet I'm so angry late at night
so sad to be alone
unwelcome in my own home
and I could write a thousand lists
of what I'd love to have
yet go to bed so lost as to why
I'm alone in my head
I'm alone on these sheets
I'm alone for ONE moment
and it hurts like nails in your lungs
the ones
I put there myself don't compare
and I'm getting so used to this heat
and the cold, fucking cold
I can't defeat
you want time to slow down
so you can adjust
but go faster please now
cus i'm weak
scared
in SUCH
of a time where there's pain
fucking head down to toe
that I numb with the things
that i think but don't know
and reading my words makes me sigh
makes me cry
it could make me awake,
more awake than tonight
which is still so alive
but i'd rather it not
cus they all have their hands
in another one's palm
everyone seems to be
on the road they should be
with the person beside them
who makes them happy
then there's me
cus I think
and I HATE how i think.
when the light of the party
and crowds get inside
tehre's no room left for me
to reflect on myself
so i scream and i dance
i'm "so happy" to them
i'm so crazy, so funny
whatever, i'm that.
but it's fucked, though it's real
i don't hide how i feel
i take moments to sit all alone
on purpose.
i need...
DAYS TO REFLECT ON MY CONSCIOUS NEGLECT
for the person i'd be if i could
but it's easier now
to push on with a force
to hear my own voice
only that.
it'd be nice to be happy with that.
11/24/08
you're fighting for what's real
what's right
don't let them steal your light
you're running for and from something
but intuitively tonight
don't stop to kiss on their feet
don't fall down
don't see around yourself in the mirror,
smile in your own eyes
empower.
love and respect and the things you desire, you deserve, are attainable there
and don't do a thing to bow down
to their words
or their eyes
or the smiles they force feed
when you're open and weak
don't let the scarceness impede
go to your soul and sit down
for a while
you're a beautiful thing with such light
don't need a "he" to get through the night.

1/14/09
I don't sleep with a window behind me anymore, only 2 to see when I open my eyes in the morning. They're glowing light, filling my surroundings with potential. I left alot...and nothing. I have so much before me, around me, above me. It's something or nothing and not in between and when I'm blinded I'm faithful, I'm everything. If only they all could know. But time brings so much, though I hate when it's slow. It's cold but I dream and I'm young and I dance. A time of abundance is near, I can feel it. But now I just wait with the words on my back, hearing the wind. They all hear it the same. Even in sleep it's a game. Disinterest disturbs me. It hurts when I feel. I hear what you say but my past has dismantled. I'm put back together but easily feel pain. I live my life...with or without the love that I crave. I only can dream that it's real. Goodnight.
"only display what you want to see happen in your life"

Thursday, June 11, 2009

the tower dream


the tall building that was once small
sheds its walls, its means of departure,
and self constructs.
There is a growing heap of trash along side it that my friend and her fiance stand on.
It isn't their heap of trash but they're happy on it, wearing little clothing and knowing the higher it gets the fewer chances to get down.
The dirty clothes are in the wash with something scaly and orange.
Is it a snake?
No.
A huge dying octopus
with tentacles stretching far out of the machine.

I get preoccupied.

The noodles I've been eating in my sideways bed have begun to come alive.
They shoot across the room.
They spawn tiny green noodle babies.
I panic and yank them out of my mouth for yards only to notice that those have not come alive.

My food is spoiled and I am hungry.

My former friend has "taken care" of the...
octopus problem.

A female celebrity knocks down our steps and demands we slide down splintered wood to enter and exit our own home.

I go to the mall.
It resembles the hotel casino I used to work in.
I remember that my boyfriend works in the mall and make a point of not going down that hallway.
My message to him saying that I'm going to the mall has not been delivered.
I have difficulty navigating without going down his hallway.

It fades away into day.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

breaking news



I AM ESCAPING

AND THERE WILL BE SIRENS.

I WILL REMINISCE

ON THIS


AND THIS


AND THIS

AND THIS


AND THIS


AND THIS


AND THIS


AND THIS


AND THIS


AND THIS





Tuesday, June 9, 2009

daydreaming at brick walls











could be sun in sagittarius


It's
as if
from everything i want to fly away
but i don't have the means,
and as i tightrope walk the issues,
i miss the in betweens


















the scorpions...the fishbones....
make me yearn for deeper pull
but my bow & arrow's lack of observation struck the bull.

Now I wonder if the outer aspects of your rising sign
are keeping this together still
and out of touch with mine.





Continuously fleeting
but secreting
endless rants,
My imagination's flaw
is "now there's always greener plants."

Bull, everything you do and see's
a stab to my philosophies
that took so long to filter through..


this could be why
i'm dodging you.

Monday, June 8, 2009

nonvitals

Day of the dead skeleton bride, day of the dead mask, tribal animal masks, old world maps, treasure maps, black globe, solar system, planet art, blacklight constellations, virgin mary candle, gypsy chains, crystal ball, treasure chest, beaded embellished fabrics, skull, religious art, big white house on a hill alongside a cliff that shoots down to a beach with water that flows across to a city, dogs, cats, fishtank, sky, life, love. Egyptian artifacts, camping trips, christmas family, fallllll leaves, joy, music, laughing, art space, smooth white paper, ink, pens, ink. Walls upon walls of artwork framed. Sheet music wallpaper, piano, fireplace. shallow tall woods. Treefort. long flowy dresses. Tattoo memories. Ridiculously comfortable bed, white down comforter, fur blankets, black silk sheets, indoor pond, outdoor jacuzzi, champagne. Television, big windows, fur rug. Black dresses, minimalistic, long wavy natural brown thick hair. Fishbone, scorpion, bow and arrow.....

Thursday, June 4, 2009

but thanks for the discretion


baby killer
i dreamt of your obituary in the paper
it takes money to kill so caring and so calm
money that my uncle has
he hid till it was gone








Wednesday, June 3, 2009

the math after



in search of new fate
i escaped the state
blind to the turmoil my abscence'd create
left beautiful people all broken but thick
with strength and big hearts...
and
the pain i inflict

the realness they bare
and the place i reside
have no correlation.

still no place to hide.

as far as i travel away from my fears,
in the light of the city,
they don't dissapear






                                                                 ..........cg




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